Contemplating, confused and mixed thoughts (personal post!)

My sister told me last night she’s found our dad’s side of the family on Facebook. -long story short haven’t exactly seen or spoken to my dad in 5 years, he pretty much walked out on us when I was 4 and my sister was 6, but saw him now and then.

He only gives me pocket money that’s our only contact, and he’s stopping that in July and basically told me he’s cutting me off.

We found out in 2010 he’d been lying to us and had been seeing a woman behind our backs. My sister found his partner on FB and 8 years later they’re not married and don’t have kids! Not to be rude, she’s quite large and has many mental problems, more “severe”/different to depression. She can’t have kids either.

I thought cutting me off was hurtful, he’d obviously got a new family with new kids replacing us. But he hasn’t?!

I’m so confused! Should I be more hurt that he now had NO reason to leave us? Should I be pleased?

He CHOSE to walk out on us. For the last 5 years he’s CHOSEN to be with a larger woman who can’t have kids than me, my sister and my mum?

Not expecting advice as I can’t explain the full situation. But just needed to vent.

Yesterday was the worst day in a long while and today I had an email about a contact to help me get a job, and now this?!

I’m so confused. Such mixed feelings…

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Mental Health Awareness

Just wanted to raise awareness for mental health;

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SEE IT, DOESN’T MEAN SOMEONE ISN’T SUFFERING

Mentat health is invisible; you can’t just brush it aside and tell people to “get over it” or to stop “faking it”.

You wouldn’t say that to someone with cancer or a physical illness, would you?

Comment your thoughts and feelings below!

So, let’s fight our way through this misty fog… Until my next blog!

– M

Mental Health Awareness Week

I’ve finished Girl Online by Zoe Sugg (check it out!) and it’s amazing!
Zoe posted on Instagram her story of anxiety for Mental Health awareness week. She’s so inspirational! 💗

Feel free to share your story of mental health in the comments below. We’re not here to judge; we’re here to support each other. NO ONE IS ALONE. 💖

My story:

In brief terms, I suffer from depression, self harm and anxiety, maybe more too.

I’ve had depression and anxiety since 2013, I don’t really know how or why it started. The anxiety was serious in 2015 with panic attacks, but they went away! I’m not sure how or when exactly. But they came back and are now worse than ever! 😦 But I’ve been praying each night (I’m a Christian). And that’s helped calm me a little bit. Repeating words of prayer as a mantra to calm myself. 

If you’re not a Christian, that okay. But I found repeating words of comfort to myself helps. And Zoe Sugg’s book said to tell yourself: It’s okay to be anxious. Tell yourself it’s okay; don’t fight it. Imagine it, picture it. It helps me 🙂

My depression continued to get worse. 2014 one of my best friends left our friendship group. But I stayed and grew even closer to this other girl in the group. Let’s call her P. From about 2011 onwards, we were inseparable.

… Until 2015. We just stopped talking one day. I mean our friendship had been going downhill for a few months now I look back.

To cut this short, after not speaking for months, we actually made friends again a few months later. But she now has a new best friend and they’re so close and I can’t help but say it breaks my heart. Her new best friend is nice and I don’t hate her or anything. But I wish I could still be best friends with P. I message her sometimes; snapchat message or Facebook. It’s better than nothing, but to me, it’s often upsetting and pointless. But she does reply. But then I see her tagging this other best friend and other girls and they put kisses to each other and I feel so sad. 😦

But I had this guy. (As a friend, but he said he fancied me.) HE decided to hang out with me. HE chose to be my friend. But he left. Messaged me one morning before school saying he didn’t want to be my friend anymore; just like that. And that was the end of my new friendship.

I finally had the guts a few months later to meet him and ask him what had happened. He didn’t feel guilty at all! That’s why I said the following, so yes I shouldn’t have said this and guilt tripped him or whatever. But he didn’t feel guilty anyway!

I told him I’d started self harming because of him. I told him I was ending my life in three day because of him. (I wasn’t joking. I was in such a low place).

He didn’t care. He basically said nothing. It felt like he told me to go kill myself and it broke my heart. He told me he loved me and his goal was to make me happy! How can that be true if he one day just ups and leaves me all alone?! I said don’t you feel guilty?! And he said, no not really. Maybe a bit. URGH.

I still message some of my “friends” from high school. But I have no one.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I’m so nervous for sharing my story. There’s more secrets I’ve yet to share, but when the time is ready.

If anyone wants to talk I’m here.

So, let’s fight our way through this misty fog… Until my next blog!

– M